To teeter, kind of an odd-sounding phrase, huh? Well, that’s the only phrase that I can think of at the moment to describe where I’m at.
You see, last week I successfully defended my dissertation which means that I am no longer a graduate student. This is a pretty significant deal – I spent the last 7 years in graduate school.
When I first started the graduate school track I had a pretty clear idea of how it would turn out. I would graduate with my M.S. and then start up my own private practice. I did do that but I also decided to go ahead and get my Ph.D. while I was at it. So, now that I have finished both my Master’s and Ph.D. you would think that I have a clear idea of what’s next…but I honestly don’t.
I have some ideas/goals…I want to pursue a private practice here in Louisville, work toward becoming an AAMFT approved supervisor, and teach. In my mind, the trifecta.
But there’s a complication…I fell in love with being a mom. I simply had no idea how much I would enjoy motherhood.
For the past 9 months I have been beyond blessed to be able to stay at home with Ezra while working a couple of days a week to finish my dissertation and work for UK through an assistantship. It’s not that I don’t have that option now…I could easily work a few days a week and be “mom” a few days a week. It’s more so that (for some crazy reason) I let what others may think of this decision creep into my decision-making. How messed up is that?!
I seem to have fallen into that weird spot that many moms find themselves in. I am highly educated and motivated. I am also a good therapist and have a lot to offer the world. But I’m also highly qualified to stay at home and raise my son. I, after all, am the person who can calm him in an instant, who is obsessed with watching his every discovery, who loves him so deeply that it amazes me sometimes.
I will figure it out. I’m not worried about that for a second. My future, at some point, will involve the trifecta that I mentioned above – it may just be that I ease into the trifecta rather than rushing into it for the moment.
My challenge now is to not feel guilty for saying that I love where I’m at.
At the end of the day, babies only stay little for so long. I’m grateful to have a husband who views me as both a highly-educated individual and a good mom, who has my back, and who realizes how hard it is to figure this whole thing out.